Up The Farway Tree

Ready... or not?

So, I'm sitting at home in the afternoon having coffee with my friend, when the phone rings. I answer, and the nice lady says "Hello, I'm one of the doctors, phoning from the Freemans Hospital in Newcastle." There was a momentary pause before she quickly added "..but I'm not phoning about new lungs." At this point I exhaled slowly, gathered my thoughts and answered "oh well at least I can calm down now". There was probably only 3 seconds between her introduction and the affirmation that this was not a call for my transplant, but somehow a million different thoughts had managed to race through my head. More important than the thoughts however, is how I felt. A mixture of fear and excitement, followed by a sense of disappointment when I realised the call was not 'the one'. This is good. This means I am ready for the call, I am willing to take a leap into the unknown and a step towards my future.

This may seem like a strange thing to say, as you would assume I was ready for the call as soon as I went onto the list and that I have spent each day waiting and hoping, and looking at the phone expectantly. I haven't. I have instead spent a great deal of time trying to come to terms with being on the list, with being 'sick enough' to need a transplant and becoming comfortable with the decision I have made. People probably think there would be little to think about - surely you either need a transplant or not? Well, its just not that simple. Its all about the timing of going on the list; the risk of going on too early versus the one of leaving things too late. Due to a chronic shortage of donors, there is always a wait before suitable organs become available, which means the call could come in months, or it could be years. An average wait for lungs is probably around 18 months. They then have to take into account your blood group and height, and how easy this will be to match. For example, I have the commonest blood group so there are more people in my 'group', making the wait longer. Taking all this into account a decision about listing for transplant has to be made based on how you are just now, but more importantly, how much your health is likely to decline over the next 2 years.

There in lies the problem. If it was solely based on how I am just now, would I really take the risk of undergoing major surgery and the possible post operative complications? Unfortunately transplants are not a cure, nor are they fool proof and there always remains a risk that you simply swap one set of problems for another. Despite this however, life expectancy after transplant is ever improving, and the latest statistics for Newcastle suggest around a 50% ten year survival. Hopefully in the not so distant future there will be some statistics for 20 year ( or more) survival. With any luck I will prove to be one of them.

So, with that in mind if I ask myself again: based on how I am just now, am I ready to take the risk of transplant? Yes. Yes, because my fear of not being called is far greater than the fear of being called. The only certainty of not having a transplant is that I will deteriorate - it may be very slow, it may be sudden, but it will happen. With a transplant there are no certainties, but there is hope; hope for a new beginning and ultimately a longer, happier and healthier life. I think that hope is worth taking a risk for.