Friday, March 30, 2007

Agility Training

I have largely recovered from my cold, although am not feeling 100% yet. I decided to go into work yesterday, as there was an interesting teaching topic, but was disappointed to find I really didn't feel too well by the end of the morning. It's almost inevitable that having a cold is going to affect my chest, and although the oral antibiotics have helped keep things under control I don't feel I will improve much more under my own steam. I have therefore arranged a hospital appointment for Tuesday with the view to starting some IV antibiotics. I have a weeks holiday coming up soon, so hopefully if I am feeling tip top after the IVs, I might even manage to get away for a few days.

I'm not sure if anyone has been watching the TV show 'Underdogs', where celebrities are given rescue dogs to train, and then they compete in weekly agility and obedience tasks. The idea is to raise the profile of charities such as the Dogs Trust, and to illustrate that rescue dogs can be intelligent, fun, and rewarding pets. When watching the programme, I kept announcing every 2 minutes "Seb could do that" or "Seb could do that better" (the fact he is not a rescue dog is besides the point). I am convinced he would like the agility training, where they jump over bars, run through tunnels and the likes, although unfortunately at this stage, I would be unable to keep up with him. However, to prove my point I decided to build him a make shift jump in the hallway. Yes, I know I am odd, and in fact might have lost the plot, but in fairness I have been off work for nearly 2 weeks and cabin fever is setting in. Anyway, I constructed a jump using the sweeping brush balanced on the stairs at one side, and the washing up basin at the other. I then attempted to lure him over with a treat (as I had seen done on the TV show). He looked at me strangely. He then inspected the brush, before pushing it defiantly with his paw so it rolled off the basin, and clattered onto the floor. Undeterred I reconstructed the jump. I even attempted jumping over it myself a few times as an illustration of what he had to do (although I suspect only humans are capable of learning by example). He watched my antics with interest. He then inspected all around to see if there was another way round. On seeing there wasn't, he sighed loudly, crouched down and commando crawled under the 6" gap before strutting off in an aloof manner. Despondent, I decided to abandon the project for the night (although amusingly I did forget to dismantle the jump, causing Andrew to later trip over it in the dark. He has been accusing me of "booby trapping" the house since)


The following evening, I decided to resume the training. We went through pretty much the same routine as before, again cumulating in Seb crawling under the jump before walking off in disgust. It then occurred to me that my reward was perhaps not 'high value' enough, as I had run out of his normal treats so was using a substitute. For Seb, the highest value treat is probably cheese, so as a last resort I went to get a piece of cheese from the kitchen. Seb watched this with interest, his eyes becoming bigger and wider by the second. As I walked back into the hallway, he suddenly bolted past me at high speed, leaping over the jump before spinning round expectantly to receive his reward. I couldn't believe it. I initially thought it was a fluke, but no, he spent the next 10 minutes flying back and forth over the jump with great excitement in the hope of earning a piece of cheese. I do however suspect he understood what I wanted from the second I set up that jump, but thought it would be more amusing to make me jump over it myself a few times first. I often wonder if he is in fact training me.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Sniffle

I haven't been feeling too well of late. Last week I had a chest infection brewing, so in a sensible move I went up to the hospital last Monday to get checked out. I started some oral antibiotics and decided to take the week off work to give my self the best chance of a quick recovery. I was delighted to find by the end of the week I was feeling much better, and I was all ready to come back to work this week. Then I woke up on Sunday with a cold and have been sniffling and spluttering since. Although its 'only a cold', I was barely managing to make it into work when I was 100% well, so needless to say I have had to call in sick this week as well. I am hoping that the fact I am already on oral antibiotics will prevent it developing into a chest infection, but I will just have to wait and see. Fingers crossed.

On another medical note, Seb's eyes are much better. He had to wear his little cone for a whole week. In fact by the end of the week, he seemed to quite like it and had managed to avoid becoming wedged in small spaces and the likes. He also became very good at getting his eye drops in, as long as cheese was on offer as a reward. I found that if I placed him in a corner, he couldn't back off and would tip his head back and squeeze his eyes tightly shut. I just had to wait until he peeked one eye open to see if I was still there, and quickly put the drop in. Poor Seb.

I've been trying to do a bit of painting again, as an alternative to watching day time TV. The only downside is that its actually quite tiring, and I also get myself quite worked up when its not turning out how I planned. I would like to take some art classes after my transplant, so I can actually learn how to paint properly and pick up some techniques. At the moment I completely make it up as I go along, I never plan what I'm going to do, and I often know that something isn't quite right with the painting, but I'm not sure what. To make matters worse, I'm also not that good at accepting criticism from others despite the fact I am highly critical of myself. I think I just need to learn to enjoy painting, accept it is a learning curve, something I can work on and improve, and most of all, listen to my mum when she says 'don't take yourself so seriously'.





My first attempt at a coastal type scene.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

A life of Happiness or a Life of meaning?

I recently heard a quote on the TV show Heroes, and the following day read a strangely similar opening paragraph in the book I just started reading. Either the quote has origins elsewhere, or a writer for Heroes is also following Richard and Judy's book club. Either way, I thought it was an interesting quote and having come across it twice now, thought I would share it with you.

"I think there comes a time in a man's life where he has to ask himself whether he wants a life of happiness or a life of meaning. You can't have both because those are two very different paths. To be truly happy, a man must live absolutely in the present, and with no thought of what's gone before, and no thought of what lies ahead. But, a life of meaning, a man is condemned to wallow in the past, and obsess about the future."


On Heroes it sounded powerful, knowledgeable; a truth spoken from the heart. In the book it sounded clever, thoughtful; an intelligent observation. Looking at it now, to me, its a piece of nonsense, only believable by the conviction with which its written and the quotation marks it falls between. I'm not sure why "quotations" can appear as if fact, as if spoken by one who is truly enlightened and thereby becoming mini rules by which we should lead our lives. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy those little books with quotes of happiness, of success, and profound yet concise snippets of wisdom. They can make you feel instantly lifted and inspired, and hence their purpose is served. However this quote differs in that it doesn't really make me feel lifted or inspired, largely because it talks of a no win situation where happiness is a lifestyle choice only fulfilled by self indulgence and at the expense of a purposeful life.

Happiness itself is at the centre of many quotes, especially those of a motivational nature. It is something people strive for in life, as if it were a mystical paradise we arrive at when all our goals have been attained and our dreams fulfilled. I'm not sure why we do this, why we put so much kudos on what is essentially just an emotion in the vast range that humans experience. Why should we expect to feel 'happy' all the time? I think it is impossible to truly lead a life of happiness, because we cannot exist in a state of just one emotion and be fulfilled by that. In just the same way as it would be quite unnatural to always feel sad, fearful, excited, ashamed, or angry all the time. We have to experience the full range of emotions in order to understand each one; to understand loss is to fully appreciate what we have, to understand sadness allows us to appreciate happiness, to have felt fearful allows us to relish the feeling of relaxation and contentment.

The idea that happiness comes from only living for the moment does not ring true to me. I'm not sure why forgetting about the past, and never giving a thought to the future would make you happy. Yes, it might make you feel relinquished of responsibility, it might make you feel "free" and maybe temporarily exhilarated. Ultimately however, it would leave you very alone. Living for the moment is by nature a selfish way, which could not take other people into consideration. It would be full of the highs and lows of any life, yet without the past experiences and the future dreams to tie it together. You would be simply adrift. It would merely be an existence.

So, to end my philosophical musings for today; would I choose a life of happiness of a life of meaning? I would choose a life where I learn from past mistakes and sorrows, but do not dwell on them, where I strive to attain future goals, but do not become a slave to my fears of failing them, and where I experience happiness more often than not.

Now I will re-type that in italics and put quotations marks around it, with my name at the bottom.

"I would choose a life where I learn from past mistakes and sorrows, but do not dwell on them, where I strive to attain future goals, but do not become a slave to my fears of failing them, and where I experience happiness more often than not."
Jac 2007


There you go. That can be now be printed in a little book of happiness, or quoted in a motivational speech, and presented as a mini rule for life. However when it comes to leading a fulfilling life, there are no rules, no facts and no one quote that suits all. Maybe after all is said and done, a fulfilling life is simply one where you get to play by your own rules, whatever those may be.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

'The Look' for 2007

Do you see what my owner has done to me?! She says "high collars are all the rage for spring 2007" and that "orange is so your colour sweetie" but I think she is lying. I suspect she is making fun of me again. The fact she keeps taking photos on her mobile and sending them to people is a bit of a give away.




As you can see, Seb has been at the vets again. He has "conjunctivitis" and a "periorbital dermatitis", which in laymans terms means he has an infected eye which is itchy, so he has scratched all the skin around the eye until its red raw. Hence the large orange collar. I have to administer eye drops four times daily, plus some oral antibiotics for the skin. For those who have been reading my blog long enough to remember the last time he had eye drops, you will appreciate the trauma of the week that lies ahead. I shall have to be sly, assertive, nimble, devious and inventive in my approach. Stealth will be my weapon, cheese will be the bait, and patience the virtue (I have yet to discover).

Amongst the stress of the situation, I can at least find comedic value in the large collar. Don't get me wrong, I do feel terrible making him wear it, but you have to see the funny side of life. He has been bumbling about the house, knocking into things and failing to realise that his head now takes up twice as much room. He even tried to squeeze his head through the bannisters again, and could not understand why it would not fit. This morning at 6am Andrew thought there was a burglar in the house - it was in fact Seb wandering about the kitchen, knocking into things with his giant cone head. However despite this apparent lack of cone awareness, he then refused to go for a walk whilst wearing it (even though it's probably orange coloured with road safety in mind). I imagine he thought the other dogs might laugh at him. He is probably right.



Other than Seb's eye, life has been fairly quiet. I have continued with the weekly physio appointments for exercise, and I am managing to achieve more by using the oxygen during the exercise. I'm hopefully getting a cylinder to keep at home, so I can continue the exercise programme in my own time as well. No excuses now then. Hopefully if I can keep this up I will slowly increase my fitness, or at the very least, maintain what level I do have.

I also had my port flushed last week, so my weight and lung function were checked, both of which were stable. I was really pleased with this, especially since this was 4 weeks after IV's. I think the extra weight might be helping to keep things more stable. I have been continuing with the milk and carrot cake programme, but having now sampled carrot cake from every known supermarket, I may need to branch out into other varieties. Maybe sponge cake. Maybe chocolate cake. Live a little, you know?

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Work, life and two-part TV programmes


I've sorted out my days at work, so from next week I will have a Wednesday off again, and instead work Tuesday, Thursday and Friday morning. Hopefully the day mid-week will make a difference to my current energy levels, which are pretty poor at best. I'm finding that I just come in from work at lunch time, collapse on the sofa and barely move from this position for the rest of the day. Logically you could say that I would be best not to work at all and then I could do other things with my day, but in reality I would probably lounge around, watch some TV, and if I was really pushing the boat out, go outside and fill my bird feeders. At least if I go to work I have instead:

a) Got up at a reasonable time
b) Dressed in something other than jeans, which is good for general well being (medical fact)
c) Spoken to real people i.e not Seb
d) Had some exercise, even if this is just walking to my car
e) Earned some money
f) Continued to further my career and expand my knowledge
g) Hopefully helped someone
h) Avoided recording and spending afternoon watching the first half of a two part crime thriller, without realising it was a 2 parter until watching to the end of the first part. Having not recorded the second part, I will now never know who the murderer is. Had I been at work, this disaster may never have occurred.

That seems like a lot of reasons to go to work actually, with (h) being a particularly compelling argument. I am so fortunate that my work place has accommodated and supported me at every turn, and I realise that without this flexibility I would have been forced to stop working a long time ago. I see other people with CF really struggling to get a foothold on a job, or to maintain a working life that fits in with treatments, hospital visits and the unpredictability of health from one day to the next, and I feel grateful for what I have. CF makes life difficult in many ways, but for me one of the worst is this dichotomy of mind and body; the mind is active, willing and ready to take on the world, yet the body simply cannot keep up. This is why it is so important for me to try and maintain an outlet for my mind, for a restless mind does not make for a healthy body. There is clearly a balance, and the line is unfortunately so thin I could be accused of failing to see it at times. However at the moment, despite my extreme tiredness, my weight is staying up, my lung function is stable and its now 4 weeks since my last IV's. Having a sense of daily purpose makes me even more diligent with treatments, keeps me more active and more importantly, prevents me from hearing the tick -tock of the transplant clock. I may be tired, but at least I know it's a tiredness from doing something, and not the tiredness that comes from the boredom of doing nothing. Despite all this, I know this is an area of my life that needs continual evaluation and adjustment and eventually I may have to find mental stimulation elsewhere, but while the list of pros outweighs the cons, its onwards and upwards. Or at least just forwards.


Footnote: There appeared to be a great deal of interest in my dying swan act. Sadly I could not find my tutu, and was therefore unable to perform. This is likely a fortuitous thing, as I suspect any clip I added may find itself on You Tube or similar, under the category of either comedic, or weirdo. Neither would be acceptable.

Another Footnote: For interest, here is a photo of Seb "threatening" his Loofah Dog (name on tag, not me being cutesy and weird) by dangling him at great height through stair bannisters. I have no idea what Loofah Dog did to deserve this treatment but I guess it must have been bad.






Thursday, March 01, 2007



Ramblings of a Ballerina




Well, I don't really have anything interesting, witty, or profound to say this week. So I will give you a resume of the week instead. Exciting eh?

  • I attended my first physio session using oxygen on Monday. The physio offered me nasal specs (tubing worn over nose) or a mask . Although the mask is probably better if you start to breathe through your mouth, as happens when exercising, I opted for the nasal specs, so I could still talk clearly. The fact I'm too breathless to talk and exercise at the same time is besides the point. I might have suddenly had something very important to say. Anyway I got on well, and definitely felt that I had increased stamina and was therefore able to complete much more of the class than previously (I was joining the cardiac rehab class again -the one with all the oldies). The only downside to completing more of the class, was my inability to move from the sofa for the rest of the day and evening. I may have overdone it slightly due to my new found energy (part of which may have been psychological), so I will maybe take it a bit easier next week.

  • In the meantime I am supposed to be working on some upper body exercises - some light weights to build muscle and exercises to improve my posture, which is becoming more and more like the hunchback of notredame. I say 'supposed to be working on' because I haven't really done any weights yet, although I did practice my posture exercises whilst walking Seb today. Everytime he stopped to pee (which is roughly once a minute) I pulled my shoulders back and pushed shoulder blades together and held it for 10 seconds. I think I might have looked a bit odd - probably like I was doing a chicken dance or something. I'm not sure what a chicken dance is actually, but I may have just invented it. I only manage to walk Seb once or twice a week on the days I don't work, so I will have to practice these exercises at other times. Maybe when driving to work. Would that constitute as 'undue care and attention' I wonder?

  • I am settling into my new job, although my days have now changed to a Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday morning. The three days in a row regime is not really working out for me. When I woke up this morning my limbs felt like lead weights and my energy level was non existent. There was no way I could make it into work which I find both frustrating and disappointing. My chest isn't even particularly bad just now, so I feel like I should be able to cope and it seems utterly pathetic that I can't even do 3 mornings in a row. However I will see if I can shuffle things around a bit, so I can have a day off mid week again, which seemed to be easier. There is still the potential to reduce my hours to 2 mornings a week, but I am reserving this for when things get really bad. Whatever really bad is.

  • I am going to see Swan Lake, the ballet, with my uncle. I used to love going to the ballet when I was young and first saw Swan Lake when I was five. At that time I wanted to be a ballerina, and attended ballet classes. The fact I am not a ballerina is nothing to do with CF holding me back, and everything to do with the fact you have to be good at ballet to be a ballerina. I was better at modern dance, where you got to shake your booty to the beat and wear ridiculous costumes in garish colours. Much more fun. I did at one time however, think I was cut out to be a ballerina. This delusion was not helped by my mum and my uncles blatant encouragement towards my 'dying swan act' (a famous scene from Swan Lake). If you have not seen the ballet, it basically involves much dramatic flapping of arms as the ballerina (swan) slowly falls to the ground before finally flapping her last and dying. A bit morbid for a five year old perhaps, but it wasn't so much the content or meaning, but the rapturous applause from my family whenever I performed it that spurred me on. I am all for encouraging children regardless of their talents, but I feel there probably are limits. I wonder after seeing Swan lake again tonight if I will feel the need to perform one last time, just for old times sake. I might even have that old tutu in the loft.....