Up The Farway Tree

Keeping busy

That's a couple of weeks since I finished my IVs and I am still feeling pretty good, so, long may it continue. I've not been needing my oxygen during the day at the moment, which makes moving about the house so much easier - no tugging the tubing behind me and getting it caught under doors. Plus, Seb has a tendency to sit on the tubing whenever possible, and refuses to move despite me tugging at it vigorously. Since I have been feeling a bit better, I have also managed to get out a bit more. This has resulted in the purchase of 2 new leather sofas. My life is so much more expensive when I am well - I dread to think what will happen after my transplant. Today was spent getting several new cushions for the new sofas, and I really do think the rug needs replacing...

Other than spending Andrews hard earned cash, I have been busying myself with some study. I got my first assignment back, and thankfully had passed. You don't get a grade, but I did get some very good comments which made the hard work (almost) seem worthwhile. I have now sent off my 2nd assignment, so fingers crossed for a similar response. Since I am now in study mode, I am also trying to do some background reading in Psychiatry, so that I am not altogether rusty by the time I go back to work. I am concerned that this sudden rush of intellectual stimulation may prove too much, and will therefore punctuate my learning with some daytime TV. I think its the only safe option.

I have also been doing some painting and have just finished some canvases of snowdrops, that my friend asked me to do. My next plan is something for the living room......you know, to go with the new sofas, and cushions...and rug. I would maintain that by painting something myself, I will overall be saving Andrew money.


So, I can say that life is not too bad just now, and I am at least able to keep myself amused. The odd thing however, is that during these periods of feeling more well, I actually become more anxious about the transplant. When I am unwell, I want to be called immediately and am filled with dread that the call will not come soon enough. When I start to recover, I almost forget how unwell I have been, and start to feel overwhelmed by the very idea of being called for transplant. Its only at these times that the enormity of what I am facing hits me. This anxiety leaks out in the most bizzare ways - for example, I can become all consumed by the fact the study bookshelves needs tidied or because I'm struggling to answer a question in my assignment, or because I start to think about going back to work post transplant and can't imagine ever being strong enough to face that. I worry about the most pointless things, and then I get annoyed at myself for wasting such precious time on trivial concerns. I know that underlying the trivial worries, are much greater ones, that I would rather not dwell on and that there is little benefit in exploring. It's so much safer to worry about whether these cushions really match the curtains.

I think what I need to do is learn to enjoy these times when I am feeling better and to simply believe that the call will come at the right time for me, and when it does, that I will be strong enough to face that challenge and embrace the opportunities that lie ahead.