Up The Farway Tree

Stable Health

Apologies for not updating sooner - I've had 2 Newcastle visits since I posted in September, but have been somewhat distracted and keep forgetting to post.

The good news is that both October and November visits showed the same lung function (around 35%), so that makes 4 months now with similar results.   Makes a nice change from the monthly drop I had before then.   I am feeling the lower function when I'm walking, trying to climb stairs etc but am lucky that it seems to have stabilised at a level where my oxygen levels are ok - so I am not needing any additional oxygen.  This is a huge benefit!  I'm also getting used to this level and knowing what I can and cannot do, which makes it a bit easier to plan and pace myself.   I have no idea at all how long it might stay at this level, and neither do the doctors.  The main aim is to avoid infection, which might set things off again.  It's hard to avoid all the viruses going about but I'm doing not too badly so far this year.

With regards to learning to cope at this current level and get the most out of life - and give the most to Estelle - I have come to the difficult decision not to return to work.  I had been off for a year past September - intially only going off short term for the radiotherapy, but then being unable to return as lung function continued to fall.  It's been a really difficult time making this decision and I've been weighing up options for months in my mind - going over and over the pros and cons.  It was finally a helpful discussion with Occupational health that crystallised my thinking - he spoke about risking the stability by trying to force a return to work, and I actually felt relief that someone was saying it would be ok not to go back.   Don't get me wrong - I love my work and it's a huge part of my identity - but more importantly I am a mum.  I need to be here for Estelle as long as I possibly can, and I owe it to her to look after myself as best I possibly can.  I also owe it to myself to give myself a break and to stop feeling like I have to prove myself worthy somehow.    I made this decision about 6 weeks ago, and although I cried for a week, felt anxious and experienced a great sense of loss,  I also gradually came to terms with where I am at the moment and what it most important in my life.    It doesn't mean that all doors are closed and if I remain in this semi-stable state, then I could consider some other medical interests to keep my mind active.   I don't really think I will be short of things to do!  So far its allowed me to go to every event at Estelle's school and she absolutely loves that :-)

The other reason I have not posted over the past month, is that we sadly lost my wee dog Seb on the 3rd December.  He became unwell with acute pancreatitis about 3 weeks before and it was a turbulent period full of ups and downs as we tried desperately to get him back on an even keel, with lots of admissions to the vets for treatment.  He actually did recover from his pancreas but the whole episode knocked his kidneys off further, which have been very poor for the past few years....the vet said it was remarkable his kidneys had actually coped this long.  He was 15 yrs and 2 months - to be honest, whatever age he lived to was never going to be enough for me.  He was my best wee bud and he was with me through my many life events over the past 15 years.   I loved him more than I thought it was ever possible to love a dog and am completely devastated.  I feel very lost without him.  I used to say to Andrew when we met (and I thought I would never have children) that all I ever wanted was a puppy dog to love me.  And I certainly got that and more.   I will dedicate a post to Seb and his antics, funny ways and total attitude, when I feel more ready to look back.  There are many stories!

In spite of the stresses of recent times, I am still enjoying the run up to Christmas with Estelle and Andrew.  Estelle is just the perfect age for enjoying the magic of this season and hopefully, like me, will never outgrow it.  We have been to see Santa in his woodland cabin, had a day in Glasgow looking at the lights and markets, saw the real Cairngom reindeer that came to our town, pulling Santas sleigh, had two school Christmas parties and tonight we saw the local pantomime.  I still have Estelle's nativity to look forward to - she tells me she is an Angel because there was no way she was being a sheep haha.    Only 10 sleeps until Christmas!